Sexpert Says Feminism Has Made You Shitty in Bed

Feminism: Taking rights from men and giving them to women; turning once pleasure-giving women into lazy, demanding princesses. Hold up, though: MIT and Princeton Men’s Health and Yahoo! have some tips for getting us back on track.

In a real article that actually exists, we learn that it’s OK, because this is fixable: Good girls can be turned bad, specifically with 15 tips that will “make her great in bed,” and — this part is KEY — WITHOUT HER EVEN NOTICING. Because you know how women are when you make them consciously get better at serving you: They complain. I cannot tell who is insulted more by this piece, men, women, or sexperts. I’ll go with all of humanity.

First off, it’s a list of tips from six experts on sex. Five of those experts are women. Hell, the author is a woman. It sounds like Yahoo! My Dick and Men’s Health-Like Subjects thinks it is being naughty and sex-positive, except instead it treats having sex with modern women as some kind of terrible letdown you have to correct, and could never do with conversation or by, I dunno, treating sex like a two-way experience by maybe becoming more intimate in a way that would lead to better sex. And it spectacularly lands on its ass by specifically pointing at women’s rights as the culprit.

What’s worse, it is guilty of what all shitty sex tips advice is guilty of, pretending the quality of the sex between two people has nothing to do with their relationship. If you are getting laid poorly, sure, maybe it only boils down to straight-up lack of skill, but I’m willing to venture the solution is not secret guidance. You could try saying what you like or something maybe ::shrugs::.

Anyway: This terrible advice is organized around various sex problems. For instance:

Bad Handjobs

You know the problem: Your lady is super shitty at handjobs and you just want your knob yanked right like literally any dude from justadude.com (no it isn’t a real site are you insane). According to the piece, you’re gonna have to get in the trenches and teach your lazy dog a coupla new trix. First things first: Do some outside-the-dick thinking and imagine her as a person with a sight disability, AKA, go Helen Keller.

The “tip”:

When she’s engaged in that manual labour of love, imagine she’s blind and needs to be shown the way home.

“Place your hand on top of hers, finger against finger, to guide her when she’s giving you a hand job,” says Dr Sadie Allison, author of Tickle His Pickle.

And whatever you do, literally make her keep giving you a handjob until you come because that is the only way she will learn you:

“Be firm and keep going until you’re done so that she can replicate the experience next time.”

Loose Pussy

Leave the loose pussy fucking to other men. If your woman’s glove isn’t a tight enough fit, make her get off her ass and do something about it! Just like you would do for her if she told your dick was too small.

The “tip”:

If her tunnel of love doesn’t feel as snug as you’d like, sign her up for a pilates course.

“Pilates will help strengthen her core muscles, including the pelvic floor,” according to Alvin Quek of Pilates International. “Practised regularly, it’ll tighten the vaginal canal to develop extra squeeze and stimulation.”

Plus, she regularly wears lycra to do it, which has to be a good thing.

Does lycra make your pussy tighter or something? Also, would you just get like, an email about this new pilates course for your pussy? Or like, I don’t know is there a Groupon or something? Can I go with a friend?

Uncooperative, Shitty Lay

While everything that has ever been written aimed at women tells them to keep fucking their man no matter what including within eight minutes of having given birth, according to Yahoo Man’s Health Surprise!, if a man isn’t getting the enthusiasm he deserves, he should probably stop putting out for a few weeks, and let her think about what she is missing.

Literally:

DON’T PUT OUT 


Chastity seems an odd tactic for sex-life improvement, but stay with us.

“Sometimes women become sexually defensive or shy, because their partner is always there first, asking or angling for some action,” according to relationship counsellor Paula Hall. “Stop asking and you may find her sexual appetite gets the better of her, revealing a hunger that brings out her more confident side.”

Try backing off for 14 days. If she’s still not interested, maybe you should change your deodorant.

In other news, 100% of divorces occur after a partner secretly withholds love or affection from their significant other without saying why they don’t want to fuck them anymore.

Lazy Fuck

What is cool about Real Dolls is that they are just like real women except no talkie to dickie. That is what I am reminded of with this piece of advice:

If she’s shy, tires easily on top (or she just doesn’t fancy you), turn her around to face your feet, keeping your legs together.

“When she’s kneeling with her legs around your torso, the wide angle of her knees means her thigh muscles have to work hard,” reveals Spurr.

IF SHE DOESN’T FANCY YOU, TURN HER AROUND. Seriously why not just put a paperbag over your own head? Pretending she doesn’t know what is under the bag could add an element of surprise for her. Which might make her fuck you more enthusiastically if she can pretend you are your hotter friend who does not have this weird secret teacher thing going on.

Her Orgasm Takes Too Long

When it’s a man’s turn to come there are literally no shortcuts, just committing to getting in there and getting it done no matter how long it takes. But if orgasm reciprocity is punishment for women’s lib, and I think it’s pretty obvious it is — you’re going to have to do whatever it takes to get her off, you know? Yahoo! Health Man’s Solipsistic Boner can help:

“Getting her to the level of orgasm can be a hard slog,” admits Spurr. So stage your own industrial revolution and bring some machinery to bed.

Why not just hook her up to a vaccum cleaner. P.S.: So glad he “admitted” it could be a slog. Took guts, Spurr, you dirty sonofagun.

PAYBACK IS A BITCH

The secret — that men should get off real good while women just feel grateful that they were being listened to — was under very tight pussy-like wrap for most of human history, but that pussy is out of the bag, and she’s a-meowin": Women now expect to get actual pleasure from sex. Yahoo! Look at My Hot Boner Surprise says try to strangle it back into the bag if you can:

“In the past few decades, women have learnt that orgasms, like voting and equal pay, are their right,” says Spurr.

This tide of female emancipation has led to a “princess-and-the-pea syndrome” – her “pea” gets all the attention, while everything else gets sidelined.

“The pea’s demands will eclipse those of your penis,” warns Spurr. So stand up for your rights, man!

Lololololol women are such clitoral pea fascists.

As Kasey Edwards at Daily Life puts it in a much more forgiving take:

I’m going to give the sexperts the benefit of the doubt and assume they’ve been quoted out of context and that they don’t give advice exclusively to men, nor do they view women as merely sex dolls with a pulse.

I can do no such thing. Men’s Incorrigible Dick Weekly should know better.

Image by Tara Jacoby

Sexpert Says Feminism Has Made You Shitty in Bed